The case for ‘Red heads are brighter than blondes’

The below is a speech I prepared for Rostrum several weeks ago now – thought I might as well blog it (it’s also a ‘typecasting’ experiment, as the original was composed on my Remington Monarch typewriter.  I’ll attach that as a PDF).  The speech was for a ‘heckle’ meeting where the presenter takes a controversial stance and has to deal with being heckled by the audience.  Gotta love Rostrum if you want to get better at public speaking :).

Good evening Mr Chairman, members and guests. Tonight it is my privilege to address this meeting to outline the case that redheads are brighter than blondes. Naturally, it is well understood that this is the case, as no person has ever been accused of telling a. joke about a dumb redhead. Redheads are fiery, passionate, and intelligent. Blondes – are not.

The case that I put to you tonight is based upon more than the intelligence and wisdom of the crowd – and let’s face it, we all know that there’s at least a kernel of truth to the statement. No, I appeal to the one true word of science to identify why redheads are intelligent and bright, and blondes are… at least slightly less so.

There are two scientific reasons that redheads are more intelligent than blondes. These reasons will be explored, and finally some deeply scientific qualitative evidence will be presented.

Firstly, redheads are more intelligent than blondes due to the rigours of evolution. Although it does not hold true for all redheads, it is possible to say that, as a group, redheads are more intelligent. Redheads make up only 2% of the population, being the genetic remnants of Northern Europe’s far-flung races. The rigours of the cold weather and the harsh environment has meant that only the smart survived.

What might the evidence for this be, do you think? Well, there are two studies that indicate that, as a group, redheads are less tolerant of pain than their blonde counterparts. Along with a frightful increase in the risk of melanoma, redheads have been found to be less tolerant of pain in the dental chair and on the surgical wards (Liem, Lin, Suleman et al 2004; Mogil, Wilson, Chesler et al 2003). It is theorised that redheads have M1C1iR receptors that are less able to respond to anaesthesia and the like. Although this apparently manifests itself as a supreme fear of the dentist’s drill, it has also had the effect over years of evolution to ensure that redheads took great care in thinking about the many ways in which they could hurt themselves and die in their harsh environments. Although it is not scientifically proven as yet, I expect it can be shown that fewer redheads take up extreme sports such as skydiving and javelindodging. They’re just too smart for that.

Secondly, redheads are more intelligent than blondes simply because society expects it to be so. For centuries, the redhead has been presumed to be of fiery passions and an unstable temperament. They are scary people – so the myth goes – to be avoided, derided and put down at every opportunity.

Cruel schoolyard taunts are the lot of today’s redhead, and they must develop a thick skin, a sharp wit, and a keen intellect to survive childhood. The redhead’s blonde sisters are worshipped as natural beauties, and are assured in their future by relying upon their looks. The redhead must deal with being taunted as the ginger ninja, Agent Orange, fire-crotch and my personal favourite, ‘Fanta-pants’. In November 2008 there was even the national ‘Kick a Ginger’ day in the UK, which possibly means that redheads are slightly better at running as well. The blonde might be taunted with blonde jokes, but the redhead has to deal with personal attacks every day, and must either look to achieve satisfaction through the pure measure of wit – or find a hapless blonde for the others to pick on.

Finally, there is the qualitative evidence. Despite only making up a mere 2% of the population, redheads are present everywhere in modern popular culture. And they’re always the intelligent ones. Ten redheads of the past, selected completely at random, demonstrate the redheads’ intelligence. Ann-Margret, Axl Rose, Pippi Longstocking. Molly Ringwald. Sigh. David Bowie, Anne Shirley of Green Gables fame, Lucille Ball and Elizabeth I. All redheads, all intelligent, and witty, by dint of their genetic background and social upbringing.

Compare that list of over-achieving ginger ninjas with the blondes of popular culture. Dolph Lundgren. Anna Nichol Smith, Dolly Parton, Paris Hilton and Miss South Carolina 2007, who famously thought South Africa was part of the USA.

And so the case is made. Redheads are brighter than blondes due to the unassailable and scientific forces of evolution that ensure they avoid pain, the schoolyard taunts that engage the ‘Fanta-pants’ brain, and the simple fact that our popular culture and the world around us celebrates the smart and fiery redhead, whilst bemoaning the number of blondes it takes to change a lightbulb. My favourite ginger ninja, Leigh Sales of the ABC, makes the clearest case yet, though, with her wellreadhead blog, where she discusses economics, the environment and books. 

We are surrounded by the intelligent coppertop with a touch of the ginge in their fringe. The proof is irrefutable, scientific, 
and undeniable.

The case, members and guests, is made.

[Image from Flickr User Thomas Hawk. Some Rights Reserved.]